open wounds

It's 4:08 in the morning, and it is painfully clear that sleep has decided to elude me once again.  I have been lying here all night, trying to switch off my brain and apparently failing miserably.
I find myself in yet another of God's attempts to fix me.  He has presented himself to me in an obvious way this time... making it crystal clear & impossible to ignore.  though I understand, logically, what is happening.. I cannot help but feel the panic setting in.  I want to run from this.. sweep it away again.. use my extremely well exercised blocking mechanism.  Yet I know that this time is different, and those self-preserving options are off the table. This time, I must face my ghosts and deal with them. It is past time. The pain is deep, and can leave me motionless. So I ask for your prayers.. as I am weak  to my fears. I need to heal. I WANT to heal.