a healing begins

I am tired.  so very tired.  the kind of tired that makes the very word ‘tired’ seem inadequate.  no, I am not referring to a physical state of tiredness.. but a mental, and more to the point, emotional state of exhaustion.  for the past few months, I have been working, with some real sense of urgency, to ‘fix’ me.  I guess that’s not exactly the right way to put it.. for in all honesty, I’m on a search for healing.  releasing myself from the pain I’ve been holding, for my entire life…..

there’s a real sense of uncertainty, in whether or not to share the details with all of you.  part of me believes that the very speaking of it’s truth could somehow help me to connect the dots of my life, and voicing such pain could somehow aid in my healing.  the other side, and the more important one for me.. that sharing could possibly help someone out there to find their own healing.  the draw to help one of you, is much stronger than holding on to any sense of privacy… or any real fear of being judged, or pitied.  for that is a huge fear that we hold onto, isn’t it?  the fear that someone will judge our decisions and mistakes.. or pity us for whatever reason?  well, I believe that I have lived with enough fear in my life, and it is time to push it aside.  time to stand up and be me, full frontal naked, in front of you.. and myself. 

there is no way to share all that is pinned up inside me, in one post.  wouldn’t it be nice to be able to attribute one’s life to a single blog post?  think about it… your life filled with blessings, and no pain, sorrow, or drama.. what a life that would be!  that is a life that is promised us, one day.  but for now, we live here.. with the weight of our sinful world on our shoulders. 

one thing I believe, that we all forget, is that we don’t have to carry that weight alone.  especially if we’ve been through great traumas in our lives.  I am speaking from great experience here, and know how easily we slip into a ‘mask’ and carry on.  yes, that is what I call the face we all put on, to both protect ourselves… and to try to fool the world around us into thinking that everything is ‘normal’ or ‘okay’.  but let’s be honest here, we are the only ‘fools’ in that situation.  we walk around as zombies inside.. while the rest of the world carries on.. wearing their own masks.  if only we could all be open to one another, and have the relationships that God intended us to have.  what an amazing, wonderful, and loving world this would be. 

we forget, there are people who love us, and see us for who we are.  God gives us someone who can understand us, our pain.  someone who will walk beside us, and pick up our baggage and help us to carry it.  and if we’re willing to trust them… willing to put in the work, they will help us to empty that baggage, and allow the mercy and grace of God’s beautiful, perfect love to truly heal us. 

that is the journey I am currently on.  my dear friend, and confidant, has chosen to ‘jump down in the mud’ [as he puts it] and lead me to a life of peace and joy.  one he enjoys, but took a long journey of his own to get there.  have I made this task easy for him.. not on your life!!!  would he do it all over again?  you bet your sweet jar of pickles he would!!  why?  because he loves me.  loves me the way God intends us to love one another.. the way He loves us.  this open dialog of sharing, is dedicated to my patient, unwavering, loving friend.. whom I am eternally grateful to, and love so very much.  God gave me you.  thank you for being open, and allowing Him to use you.

and for all of you… I pray that somehow, my open heart will in some way help you, or maybe steer you into helping someone you love, onto the path of healing.  until next time, blessings!