lock box #2

the second lock box to be triggered, happened when I was 21 years old.  I was pregnant with my daughter, and began to experience some pretty vivid dreams.  at first, I thought they were only nightmares.  but as they continued, more and more details would emerge and come into focus.  after several restless weeks.. uneasily,  I approached a family member about my nightmares.  her reaction, which was completely unexpected, shoved me clear off my foundation.  I realized that these were not merely nightmares.. but flashes of memory.  I was horrified.  how could this be true?  I immediately went into prayer, begging God to show me… make me understand.  be oh so careful what you pray for… as some things, are not easy to see or understand.  it is 22 years later, and I have no more understanding today, than I did at that moment.  some things make absolutely no sense.. no matter how hard you try. 

before I go on, I want to say that these ‘flashes’ were not the first of their kind for me.  I had little ‘gut’ feelings growing up, that I would brush off… reactions to certain things that never made sense to me, until this box was fully triggered.

my flashes of memory, were of  family members sexually abusing me.  first one, then a second.  this happened over a period of years.  (I will not go into the explicit details, as they are more power to my abusers, and have no relevance to the healing process.)   I have no idea if one knew about the other, not that that matters.  except, it does matter somehow, to me.  I am still wrestling with the question of… why?!   and more importantly, how?!  how could you do that to an innocent child? 

but the the truth is… there is no answer that could satisfy me.  there is no answer that could excuse or explain. no answer that would make me understand.  so those questions are only the cries of a little girl, who doesn’t understand how someone that was supposed to love and protect her… hurt her so badly. 

the adult that I have become, is still haunted by that little girl’s cries. 

but, it’s time to finally deal with this pain.  time to wipe those tears.  time to stand up and say ‘enough IS enough’.  time to allow God to clean out that box.. for good. 

my prayer:

dear Father, I am asking you to strengthen me.  I want to live in the present, and let go of the past.  heal me, Lord.. heal me from these open, exit wounds that cover me.  help me to release the anger and pain.. and grant me peace.  Amen.